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The Chronic Complainer
April 13, 2012
Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.
-Lin Yutang
The key to any degree of success in dealing with a chronic complainer is to break this cycle of feeling powerless, shifting responsibility to others, and blaming others for failing to act. Your goal as director should be to shift ineffectual complaining behavior into problem- solving behavior. To accomplish this shift, try the following approach:
Step 1. Listen...
Listening carefully can help you decide whether the complainer simply needs to let off steam, or if he is raising a real problem that requires action. By dismissing all complaints, you only increase the frustration level of everyone, and run the risk of converting problem solvers into chronic complainers.
Step 2. Take control...
If you sit back and let the chronic complainer ramble on, you will lose all hope of directing the conversation toward a productive end. After you've listened enough to understand the problem, you will need to politely, but firmly, interrupt the monologue. Looking the person in the eyes and holding up your hand in a stop signal can help reinforce your intention.
Step 3. Acknowledge...
Let the complainer know that you understand what he has said, that you know how he feels, and that you intend to take his complaint seriously.
Step 4. Ask Questions...
To move the conversation in this direction, ask questions that define the problem more concretely and provide ideas for a solution. Don't ask 'why' questions because these invite longwinded justifications and continued complaining. Stick to fact-generating questions.
Step 5. Assign Tasks...
Once all the facts are on the table and there is a clear picture of what the problem is, it's time to shift back to the complainer a fair share of responsibility for solving the problem.
Step 6. Follow-Up...
If you've asked a complainer to take some specific steps toward a solution, agree upon deadlines and then follow-up to make sure he meets these deadlines.
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ECE consultant & professor
Newtown, CT, United States
04/13/2012 03:47 am
I completely disagree with the advice that you should tell the complainer that you know how he/she feels. You can't possibly know. You are not them. You can affirm feelings, paraphrase what you hear, reflect back a message, or summarize what was said in order to clarify and show understanding.But we can never know how someone feels until they tell us.
United States
04/13/2012 02:22 am
I totally disagree with part of your Step 2 Take Control regarding the chronic complainer. It says, " Looking the person in the eyes and holding up your hand in a stop signal can help reinforce your intention." I have a superior who does this all the time and it is very rude and only adds to my frustration.